Joe Biden hair plugs may be used to clean up BP oil spill

As options continue to run out in the BP oil spill disaster, the White House announced a new strategy for cleaning up the mess along the Gulf coastline.  Joe Biden’s super-absorbent hair plugs will be used in Louisiana and Florida to contain the environmental disaster and clean up beaches.

“Joe has some serious absorption properties on his noggin,” said a spokesperson.  “Our hope is that it will contain the damage and give us precious time to let BP cap the leak.  Joe was not on board initially, but an appeal to his ego in pointing out that the dark coloring would make him look years younger has changed his mind.”

Government agencies estimate that the approval process will take about seven weeks.  They need to file multiple requests in triplicate at several agencies before absorption can begin.

Obama Sends a Nervous Biden to Hunt Thanksgiving Turkey with Dick Cheney

The White House announced that Vice President Joe Biden has been chosen with the task of hunting a fresh turkey for the White House Thanksgiving feast.  President Obama asked the former Vice President Dick Cheney to join Biden in the hunt.

“Contrary to the chatter out there, I am not trying to get rid of Vice President Biden,” said President Obama.  “Dick Cheney has a significant amount of hunting experience, and it only makes sense that he join Joe in this important task.  Two vice presidents going turkey hunting.  I think it’s a great story.”

Biden appeared a bit concerned by the President’s request.  “I’ve been on my best behavior for a few weeks now,” said Biden.  “I think President Obama was really just trying to give me some assistance hunting a turkey.  I’m sure everything will be fine.  I have a flak jacket.”

Dick Cheney says he is looking forward to the outing.  “Oh, this is just going to be a fun time,” said Cheney.  “Joe and I go way back, so there’s nothing to worry about.  Although, I do have some concerns about whether I can tell the difference between Joe and the turkey.”

Companies Restate Financials After Following White House Lead on Jobs Count, Earnings Up 2,876%

Image via Wikipedia

As news continues to come out related to overstatement of the White House jobs report for jobs created or saved by stimulus money, Wall Street has taken that as a cue to restate their financials and now show an increase in earnings of 2,876% over original reports.

“The Administration gave us a very clear example of how reporting works in this new era of accountability,” said the CFO of a Fortune 100 company who wished to remain anonymous.  “We initially showed a loss of around $150 million last quarter, but under the new reporting methodology we show a profit of $75 million.  When the SEC questioned some of the obvious discrepancies, we told them that some of our subsidiaries were confused by the forms we sent for them to report their results.  We are also no longer reporting revenue based on sales.  The new methodology categorizes it as revenue ‘created or saved’.  So even though our revenue under old standards might have dropped $300 million, we showed a positive increase because we took steps that ’saved’ $400 million in revenue that would otherwise have been lost.  It’s really too complicated for the average person to understand.”

SEC officials were scrambling to determine how to deal with the new reporting standards being adopted by publicly traded companies in the wake of the new White House standard.  Some companies were reporting revenues from offices that don’t even exist, which complies with the White House standard of reporting job creation in congressional districts that don’t exist.  “We’re waiting for guidance from the Administration,” said one SEC official.  “I’ve got a CFO who is claiming that the smallest subsidiary in her company reported revenues of $200 million on expenses of $1 million.  Clearly it is not accurate.  But she claims that’s what the subsidiary is reporting, and they don’t have the resources to verify every piece of data reported on these forms.  I’ve go another guy claiming $100 million in revenues from their South Park, Colorado, division headed up by Eric Cartman.  It’s really causing us a problem, and we are urgently in need of some guidance here.”

Anita Dunn Leaves White House Post to Study Mao in China

Anita Dunn, White House Communications Advisor, resigned this week in order to focus her time in China studying her favorite political strategist, Mao.  Since Dunn is also the main attacker in the White House against Fox News, the Obama Administration is considering Michael Moore as her replacement.

“I just needed to pursue my dream of learning as much as possible about my political hero, Mao Zedong,” said Dunn.  “I was too distracted with my attacks on Fox News to really focus on my passion.  Some day I will know enough about this man to really make an impact in the world.  I hope to return to the Obama Administration before the end of his first term so that I can assist in murdering over 20 million tea party participants who are getting in the way of his agenda.  I am confident that relocating to China will give me the insight I need to be successful.”

Flashback: Anita Dunn chided by Obama after initial remarks about Mao.

White House Declares Capitalism a Hate Crime

The White House announced today that it is working with Congress and the Justice Department to introduce new legislation making capitalism a hate crime punishable by up to 25 years in prison.

“Capitalism is a crime of hate and injustice,” said President Obama during a press conference.  “The premise of capitalism is to get more than someone else.  To have, so that others have not.  And the entire system is predicated on racism, homophobia, and hatred of the poor.  I stand here today to correct this injustice and protect those who are victims of capitalism.  Never again should anyone in this country suffer under such an ugly and hateful system.”