White House to Fight Unemployment by Adding Public Option Called Employcare

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After a fruitful Jobs Summit, President Obama announced that his Administration has already come up with a remedy for the millions of unemployed.  He will ask Congress to pass a bill that requires all Americans to have a job.  And the bill will require employers to hire individuals, regardless of pre-existing employment history.  He also asked that a public option be added so that individuals who choose to work for the government will have that option.  The new government plan is called Employcare.

“Employment reform is long overdue,” said Obama.  “We have too many Americans not covered by employment.  While the fat cat CEOs make billions of dollars, they refuse basic employment coverage for our most vulnerable citizens.  Employment is a right, not a privilege.  And while I favor a ’single employer’ system of employment, it is not feasible to implement such a policy immediately.  The public option will allow those who wish to be covered by a government employment plan to be covered.  If you like your current job, you can keep it.  No one will be forced to use the government employment plan.  But the American people should still have that option.  We’ll pay for the cost of this public option through market efficiencies and automation.  We spend more on employment than any other country in the world right now.  Yet we still have a large portion of our most vulnerable in society not covered by employment.  The system is fraught with waste, fraud and inefficiencies.  The time for reform is now.”

Republicans and business executives immediately attacked the plan.  “A public option is far too expensive, and it amounts to a government takeover of the employment industry,” said Republican Senator Tom Coburn.  “Let’s be honest and call this what it really is.  Socialized employment.  Do you really want the government to be in charge of your employment decisions?  If you like waiting in line at the DMV, that’s what you’ll be doing now to pick up your paycheck.”  Sarah Palin also expressed grave concerns over the new plan.  “I can envision government Retirement Panels,” said Palin.  “They will not have enough money to guarantee employment coverage for all citizens, so a bureaucratic panel will decide who is worthy of employment and who must retire because employment is too expensive for them.”

House Democrats have already crafted a 23,000 page document guaranteeing employment coverage for all Americans.  Nancy Pelosi announced that the document would be given to all House members on 2.3 million 3×5 index cards to review the plan 28 minutes before the vote is taken on whether or not to pass it.  The Senate is also working on a similar bill.  A leaked draft of the Senate version shows theirs also includes a provision to give an additional $100 million in Employcare payments to Louisiana.  Republican senators decried the provision as a “payoff” for Senator Mary Landrieu’s support of the bill.

Sarah Palin Tells Church Group That Inner City Liberals Cling to Drugs and Government

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During a speech given to the West Alabama Baptist Church today, Sarah Palin was caught on tape addressing inner city issues and claiming that individuals are hopeless and cling to drugs and government to get them through.

“But the truth is, is that, our challenge is to get people persuaded that we can make progress when there’s not evidence of that in their daily lives,” said Palin.  “You go into some of these big cities in the Northeast, and like a lot of big cities in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing’s replaced them. And they fell through the Clinton administration, and the Bush administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate and they have not. And it’s not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to drugs or government or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-anglo sentiment or anti-religion sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”

The White House immediately jumped on the former vice presidential candidate’s words as inflammatory and insensitive.  “She is clearly out of touch with inner city individuals,” said a White House spokesperson.  “Claiming that drugs and government are bad things to cling to is absurd.  Most Americans rely on drugs and government in their daily lives.  Inf fact, this country was built on drugs and government.  Our Founding Fathers were drug users and deeply government people.  To make such statements is an insult to this country and to our history.”