Congress Passes HD Care, HD Programming for All

Congress passed a sweeping HD Channel Reform bill over the weekend that will ensure all Americans are covered by cable or satellite high definition (HD) television programming.  The new bill will require all US residents to maintain adequate HD programming in their homes or face significant fines.  Those who can’t afford adequate coverage will be placed in the government public option plan that provides 60 channels of HD television programming at no cost to the viewer.  The plan will be subsidized by wealthy taxpayers, and employers will be forced to provide access to adequate HD programming for their employees or face severe penalties.  Only one Republican voted for the bill, and he was in a rural Louisiana district with very limited access to HD programming currently.  The plan is estimated to cost $1.3 trillion over ten years and then increase at a rate of 25% per year after that point.  Persons without HD televisions will receive a government voucher to purchase HD televisions from every retail store in the country.  Except Walmart, who will be required to give free HD televisions to those who don’t have them, but they will not be reimbursed by the government program.

“HD programming is a basic human right,” said Speaker Nancy Pelosi.  “All Americans should have the right to quality HD programming.  We’re one of the richest nations in the world, yet we have some of the most expensive and poor quality HD programming in the world.  This bill will level the playing field and ensure that all Americans, no matter how poor, will have access to high quality HD programming.  Greedy cable and satellite companies have been profiting from the suffering of needy Americans, and that stops today.”

Republicans warned that the new program would result in poor HD programming and eventually mean rationing.  “We already have the best HD programming in the world,” said Republican Senator John Thune.  “Soon we’ll all be waiting in line for decent HD channels in our area.  People stuck in Canada’s public HD system already come here on ‘HD Weekends’ to stay in hotels in the United States in order to access the HD channels they would have to wait months to see in Canada.  Chicago Bears football fans living just across the border travel into the United States every Sunday to see their team play in HD in American bars and restaurants.  Otherwise, they’d have to wait three months for the game to be replayed in their country in HD.  By that time it’s too late.  The game is over.”

Pelosi Says 5 Year Prison Term and $250k Fine for No Health Insurance was Botched Joke

Republicans highlighted today that the new health reform bill includes a stiff penalty for people not purchasing a $15,000 health insurance policy.   That penalty includes 5 years in prison and a $250,000 fine.  Nancy Pelosi quickly went on the offensive against Republicans and claimed the fines and prison were just a botched joke.

“Of course I’m sorry about a botched joke,” said Pelosi.  “You think I like botched jokes?  I mean, you know, it’s pretty stupid.  But the Republicans know full well it was a botched joke.  Let me make it crystal clear, as crystal clear as I know how.  I apologize to no one for my criticism of the Republicans and their broken health care policy.  Their attempt to distort my true statement is a remarkable testament to their abject failure in making America healthy.”

Republican leaders were in prison for not having “adequate” health care and could not be reached for comment.

Pelosi Wants Stimulus for Obama Ego After Election, Too Big to Fail

Nancy Pelosi held a press conference this morning after losing two big governor elections to the Republicans on Tuesday.  She expressed extreme concern about President Obama’s ego.

“This is a critical time for the president’s ego,” said Pelosi.  “Without an emergency stimulus package, we risk a failure of his ego on a massive scale.  And like GM and AIG, his ego is just too big for us to afford to let it fail.  I am working with Harry Reid in the Senate to propose a stimulus package that will be targeted at shoring up President Obama’s ego and setting us back on the right path.  This proposed $350 billion stimulus package will focus on areas like bribing the Academy so that the president is guaranteed to win an Oscar, funding ACORN in key areas that need help to elect Democrats, paying will.i.am to write another cool song about Obama, and buying up all of the advertising slots on the Rush Limbaugh program to balance Rush’s attacks.  We must act now, now, NOW!  If the president’s ego is allowed to fail, the results will be catastrophic for our country.  I’m hopeful that both parties can work together for a bipartisan package, but I am not holding my breath that Republicans have the country’s best interests at heart.”