Max Baucus Reveals He is Really Bacchus, God of Wine, Speaks Drunk on Senate Floor

Senator Max Baucus shocked the world last week when he revealed that he is actually Bacchus, the Roman God of Wine.  Senator Baucus is actually the secret identity taken by Bacchus, as he has wandered the world experience life among mortals.

“Yesh, it’sh true,” said Bacchus.  “I am really Bathus the God of Wines.  And thersh jush one think I want.  Other than wine of coursh.  And that’s helf care.  Wine drunkersh have needs for helf care.  Lotsh of needs.  And that means helf care is, uh, a uh, ist needs to get done.  Now I’m off to Napa.”

US Will Begin Taxing Canadians to Pay for New Health Care Costs

Democrats in the House and Senate announced today that they will begin taxing Canadians to pay for the skyrocketing cost of their new health care proposals.  The move will put a serious dent in Republican criticism about the cost of the health care overhauls.

“The Republicans have no room to criticize our spending now,” said Nancy Pelosi.  “By adding the Canadian tax base to existing domestic tax increases to pay for this massive proposal, we can now cover about 75% of the total cost of our plan.  We can pay for the other 25% by looking more closely for efficiencies, cutbacks and savings in existing expenses.”

The proposed Canadian tax would be 50% on individuals who make over $25,000 and 100% on any earnings over $50,000.  In return, Congress will allow Canadians to pay in gold.

Pelosi Says 5 Year Prison Term and $250k Fine for No Health Insurance was Botched Joke

Republicans highlighted today that the new health reform bill includes a stiff penalty for people not purchasing a $15,000 health insurance policy.   That penalty includes 5 years in prison and a $250,000 fine.  Nancy Pelosi quickly went on the offensive against Republicans and claimed the fines and prison were just a botched joke.

“Of course I’m sorry about a botched joke,” said Pelosi.  “You think I like botched jokes?  I mean, you know, it’s pretty stupid.  But the Republicans know full well it was a botched joke.  Let me make it crystal clear, as crystal clear as I know how.  I apologize to no one for my criticism of the Republicans and their broken health care policy.  Their attempt to distort my true statement is a remarkable testament to their abject failure in making America healthy.”

Republican leaders were in prison for not having “adequate” health care and could not be reached for comment.

Nancy Pelosi Defends Her Health Care Plan

Obama to Focus Next on Day Care Reform

After months of limited progress with health care reform, President Obama announced today that he will next focus on getting the passage of a day care reform bill.

“There needs to be a public option within the day care system,” said Obama.  “If I had the chance to remake the system from scratch, I’d prefer to have a ’single sitter’ type of system where everyone pays into a government pool for day care selection.  But we can’t do that now.  So we have to find a better solution for the millions of families out there not covered by private day care.  They are forced to send their children to unlicensed relatives or stay home with them.   And are these parents trained to be day care providers themselves?  No, they are not.  We don’t expect people to provide their own health care by giving themselves an appendectomy, so why would we expect them to take care of their own children?  Day care reform must happen now, and it must include a public option.  You can keep your own qualified day care if you wish, so all we’re saying is that those not covered by a day care plan should have the option to use a government day care plan.  This will also help provide competition for those greedy day care providers who make hundreds of dollars each month for every child under their care.”

Republicans immediately denounced the plan and called the public option a socialist agenda.  Sarah Palin suggested the plan might result in “orphan panels” where a government official would get to decide which children would get child care and which would become orphans based on a lack of resources.  Nancy Pelosi’s office also defended criticism that the bill under consideration in Congress would fund abortions for mothers to encourage them not to burden the day care system.  “This is only an issue because George Bush refused to focus on day care while in office,” said a Pelosi staff member.  “Day care is a human right, not a priveledge.”