Pelosi Wants Stimulus for Obama Ego After Election, Too Big to Fail

Nancy Pelosi held a press conference this morning after losing two big governor elections to the Republicans on Tuesday.  She expressed extreme concern about President Obama’s ego.

“This is a critical time for the president’s ego,” said Pelosi.  “Without an emergency stimulus package, we risk a failure of his ego on a massive scale.  And like GM and AIG, his ego is just too big for us to afford to let it fail.  I am working with Harry Reid in the Senate to propose a stimulus package that will be targeted at shoring up President Obama’s ego and setting us back on the right path.  This proposed $350 billion stimulus package will focus on areas like bribing the Academy so that the president is guaranteed to win an Oscar, funding ACORN in key areas that need help to elect Democrats, paying will.i.am to write another cool song about Obama, and buying up all of the advertising slots on the Rush Limbaugh program to balance Rush’s attacks.  We must act now, now, NOW!  If the president’s ego is allowed to fail, the results will be catastrophic for our country.  I’m hopeful that both parties can work together for a bipartisan package, but I am not holding my breath that Republicans have the country’s best interests at heart.”

Obama: Election Losses Will Only Prove Lack of Health Care Bill Has Killed Democrat Voters

Facing a potential GOP landslide in elections tonight, President Obama has been asked what this might mean for his agenda.

“A loss in Virginia, New Jersey or California would only prove that a lack of health care reform in this country is even more serious than we thought,” said Obama.  “It means so many Democrats have been killed by a lack of health coverage, that we can’t even win elections any longer.  We need to get this bill passed now before our democracy is lost.  Only wealthy Republicans can afford health care, so they are the only people well enough to vote.  There is no way they would win these elections with a proper health plan in place, and that’s why they are fighting so hard to stop reform.  The H1N1 flu has only exacerbated the problem.  I will ensure that reform happens before the next elections in order to save this country.”

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Obama to Focus Next on Day Care Reform

After months of limited progress with health care reform, President Obama announced today that he will next focus on getting the passage of a day care reform bill.

“There needs to be a public option within the day care system,” said Obama.  “If I had the chance to remake the system from scratch, I’d prefer to have a ’single sitter’ type of system where everyone pays into a government pool for day care selection.  But we can’t do that now.  So we have to find a better solution for the millions of families out there not covered by private day care.  They are forced to send their children to unlicensed relatives or stay home with them.   And are these parents trained to be day care providers themselves?  No, they are not.  We don’t expect people to provide their own health care by giving themselves an appendectomy, so why would we expect them to take care of their own children?  Day care reform must happen now, and it must include a public option.  You can keep your own qualified day care if you wish, so all we’re saying is that those not covered by a day care plan should have the option to use a government day care plan.  This will also help provide competition for those greedy day care providers who make hundreds of dollars each month for every child under their care.”

Republicans immediately denounced the plan and called the public option a socialist agenda.  Sarah Palin suggested the plan might result in “orphan panels” where a government official would get to decide which children would get child care and which would become orphans based on a lack of resources.  Nancy Pelosi’s office also defended criticism that the bill under consideration in Congress would fund abortions for mothers to encourage them not to burden the day care system.  “This is only an issue because George Bush refused to focus on day care while in office,” said a Pelosi staff member.  “Day care is a human right, not a priveledge.”

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