Shallow Thoughts, by Barack Obama: Global Warming

Someone asked me once if I really believed in global warming.  I yelled and screamed at that person at the top of my lungs until they cried and ran away.  I wasn’t too sure about the whole global warming thing, but I couldn’t tell them I was just kidding because they were already gone.

Shallow Thoughts, by Barack Obama: Bowing

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Sometimes I think it might be interesting to bow to everyone you meet instead of just shaking hands.  I bet it makes them feel really really important.  You’d probably have to be careful in Japan though.  Because they might think you’re challenging them to a fight or something, and well, I don’t really know karate.

Shallow Thoughts, by Barack Obama: Black President

My mom used to tell me I could become the first black President.  Then Bill Clinton got elected and said he was the first black President.  Some people might think that made me really mad.  But I just laugh at them, because I have it on pretty good authority that he’s not really black.

Shallow Thoughts, by Barack Obama: Quotes

I heard a guy once said “ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.”  I don’t know who that guy was, but I bet he was miquoted.  Because, you know, who doesn’t want free stuff?

Obama Declares National Debt Too Big to Fail

After reaching over $12 trillion dollars in size, President Obama declared that the federal debt is too big to fail and should be given a bailout.

“Our country cannot afford to have the national debt fail,” said Obama.  “The consequences would be disastrous.  If the debt fails, then that would set off a chain reaction around the world with catastrophic results.  We need a bailout package in order to stabilize the health of the debt so that it doesn’t go under.  It doesn’t matter how much we need to borrow in order to keep it alive, as the alternative is unfathomable.  I am asking Congress to approve a $4 trillion dollar bailout package that will be given to the debt.  The money can be borrowed from the current deficit and repaid over time with tax increases on the wealthy.”

When a Fox News reporter asked if it made sense to borrow money in order to save debt, she was shouted down by other journalists.  But President Obama did respond to the question, explaining that “I made a promise to the American people, and I intend to keep that promise.  Can you imagine what would happen if we didn’t borrow that money to save the debt?  You can run your confusing and biased stories all you want, but that doesn’t change the fact that this nation as we know it may come to an end if we don’t take action now.”

Obama Sends Kerry on Swift Boat Mission to Find Lost Jobs

As unemployment numbers continue to rise, and job losses mount, President Obama announced that he has assigned Senator John Kerry to go on a swift boat mission to find the missing jobs.

“I am honored to be selected for this task,” said Kerry.  “As a Vietnam veteran and swift boat commander, I am the right man for the job.  Senator Kerry, reporting for duty!  I can remember clearly on Christmas day in 2008 listening to the radio while sitting in Canada and hearing President Bush say we weren’t losing jobs in Boston.  Well, I was there.  I could see the jobs we had already lost in Boston and knew he was lying.  Not everyone will come back alive from this mission. We’ll be in dangerous areas like Detroit and Miami trying to recover these lost jobs.  But we’ll find those jobs.  We spent almost a trillion dollars and still have fewer jobs than before we spent the money.  The jobs are there.  Somewhere.  And employers will have to pay for what they have done to those jobs.  Employers I spoke to told stories at times about how they had personally raped the environment, cut off benefits, cut off department heads, taped wires from Blackberries to manager genitals and turned up the vibrate mode, cut off lunch breaks, blown up computers, randomly shot at employees, razed company divisions in fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan, shot middle managers and secretaries for fun, poisoned cafeteria food, and generally ravaged the company in addition to the normal ravage of business, and the normal and very particular ravaging which is done by the applied business power of these companies.”

Anita Dunn Leaves White House Post to Study Mao in China

Anita Dunn, White House Communications Advisor, resigned this week in order to focus her time in China studying her favorite political strategist, Mao.  Since Dunn is also the main attacker in the White House against Fox News, the Obama Administration is considering Michael Moore as her replacement.

“I just needed to pursue my dream of learning as much as possible about my political hero, Mao Zedong,” said Dunn.  “I was too distracted with my attacks on Fox News to really focus on my passion.  Some day I will know enough about this man to really make an impact in the world.  I hope to return to the Obama Administration before the end of his first term so that I can assist in murdering over 20 million tea party participants who are getting in the way of his agenda.  I am confident that relocating to China will give me the insight I need to be successful.”

Flashback: Anita Dunn chided by Obama after initial remarks about Mao.

Randolph and Mortimer Duke Admit to Putting Obama into Office on a Bet

Randolph and Mortimer Duke admitted today that the meteoric rise of Barack Obama was no fluke.  The two brothers made a bet that they could replace a successful wealthy man who was President with a Socialist from the streets of Chicago to see if he could successfully turn America into a Socialist country.

“I’m afraid we’ve been caught in a little bit of tom foolery,” said Mortimer Duke.  “I lost the bet.  I didn’t think we could teach a community organizer to rise to become a US Senator, be elected President, and make America into a Socialist nation.  Wow, was I wrong.  I owe Randolph a dollar now.  But unfortunately our little game has completely backfired on us.  Our company was taken over by the federal government and we have no money.”

Adopt a Terrorist

Obama Appoints Bush as Top Economic Advisor to Resurrect ‘Blame Bush’ Strategy

The Obama Administration announced today that it has appointed former president, George W. Bush, as its top economic adviser.  The surprise move was apparently done to resurrect their “Blame Bush” strategy and make it more effective.  It has been almost a year since Bush left office, and the Administration felt the highly effective strategy was losing its impact.

“People stopped listening to us when we blamed Bush for the past few months,” said White House spokesman, Commy Greenberg.  “We inherited all of this mess, but people started to forget George Bush and they actually felt that problems were our fault.  Now that W is back on board in a key position, this really creates a new sting when we tell people the problems are Bush’s fault.  They can look and say ‘yes, Bush is an economic adviser and the economy sucks’.  That has real power.  We did some market testing to blame Joe Biden instead, but that just didn’t have the same effect as blaming Bush used to have.  I think getting George Bush on board is going to help the public to realize that nothing is really our fault.  We will look to appoint him in different roles, depending on where we see problems.  We are a flexible with our blaming strategy.”