White House to Fight Unemployment by Adding Public Option Called Employcare

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After a fruitful Jobs Summit, President Obama announced that his Administration has already come up with a remedy for the millions of unemployed.  He will ask Congress to pass a bill that requires all Americans to have a job.  And the bill will require employers to hire individuals, regardless of pre-existing employment history.  He also asked that a public option be added so that individuals who choose to work for the government will have that option.  The new government plan is called Employcare.

“Employment reform is long overdue,” said Obama.  “We have too many Americans not covered by employment.  While the fat cat CEOs make billions of dollars, they refuse basic employment coverage for our most vulnerable citizens.  Employment is a right, not a privilege.  And while I favor a ’single employer’ system of employment, it is not feasible to implement such a policy immediately.  The public option will allow those who wish to be covered by a government employment plan to be covered.  If you like your current job, you can keep it.  No one will be forced to use the government employment plan.  But the American people should still have that option.  We’ll pay for the cost of this public option through market efficiencies and automation.  We spend more on employment than any other country in the world right now.  Yet we still have a large portion of our most vulnerable in society not covered by employment.  The system is fraught with waste, fraud and inefficiencies.  The time for reform is now.”

Republicans and business executives immediately attacked the plan.  “A public option is far too expensive, and it amounts to a government takeover of the employment industry,” said Republican Senator Tom Coburn.  “Let’s be honest and call this what it really is.  Socialized employment.  Do you really want the government to be in charge of your employment decisions?  If you like waiting in line at the DMV, that’s what you’ll be doing now to pick up your paycheck.”  Sarah Palin also expressed grave concerns over the new plan.  “I can envision government Retirement Panels,” said Palin.  “They will not have enough money to guarantee employment coverage for all citizens, so a bureaucratic panel will decide who is worthy of employment and who must retire because employment is too expensive for them.”

House Democrats have already crafted a 23,000 page document guaranteeing employment coverage for all Americans.  Nancy Pelosi announced that the document would be given to all House members on 2.3 million 3×5 index cards to review the plan 28 minutes before the vote is taken on whether or not to pass it.  The Senate is also working on a similar bill.  A leaked draft of the Senate version shows theirs also includes a provision to give an additional $100 million in Employcare payments to Louisiana.  Republican senators decried the provision as a “payoff” for Senator Mary Landrieu’s support of the bill.

US Will Begin Taxing Canadians to Pay for New Health Care Costs

Democrats in the House and Senate announced today that they will begin taxing Canadians to pay for the skyrocketing cost of their new health care proposals.  The move will put a serious dent in Republican criticism about the cost of the health care overhauls.

“The Republicans have no room to criticize our spending now,” said Nancy Pelosi.  “By adding the Canadian tax base to existing domestic tax increases to pay for this massive proposal, we can now cover about 75% of the total cost of our plan.  We can pay for the other 25% by looking more closely for efficiencies, cutbacks and savings in existing expenses.”

The proposed Canadian tax would be 50% on individuals who make over $25,000 and 100% on any earnings over $50,000.  In return, Congress will allow Canadians to pay in gold.

Congress Passes HD Care, HD Programming for All

Congress passed a sweeping HD Channel Reform bill over the weekend that will ensure all Americans are covered by cable or satellite high definition (HD) television programming.  The new bill will require all US residents to maintain adequate HD programming in their homes or face significant fines.  Those who can’t afford adequate coverage will be placed in the government public option plan that provides 60 channels of HD television programming at no cost to the viewer.  The plan will be subsidized by wealthy taxpayers, and employers will be forced to provide access to adequate HD programming for their employees or face severe penalties.  Only one Republican voted for the bill, and he was in a rural Louisiana district with very limited access to HD programming currently.  The plan is estimated to cost $1.3 trillion over ten years and then increase at a rate of 25% per year after that point.  Persons without HD televisions will receive a government voucher to purchase HD televisions from every retail store in the country.  Except Walmart, who will be required to give free HD televisions to those who don’t have them, but they will not be reimbursed by the government program.

“HD programming is a basic human right,” said Speaker Nancy Pelosi.  “All Americans should have the right to quality HD programming.  We’re one of the richest nations in the world, yet we have some of the most expensive and poor quality HD programming in the world.  This bill will level the playing field and ensure that all Americans, no matter how poor, will have access to high quality HD programming.  Greedy cable and satellite companies have been profiting from the suffering of needy Americans, and that stops today.”

Republicans warned that the new program would result in poor HD programming and eventually mean rationing.  “We already have the best HD programming in the world,” said Republican Senator John Thune.  “Soon we’ll all be waiting in line for decent HD channels in our area.  People stuck in Canada’s public HD system already come here on ‘HD Weekends’ to stay in hotels in the United States in order to access the HD channels they would have to wait months to see in Canada.  Chicago Bears football fans living just across the border travel into the United States every Sunday to see their team play in HD in American bars and restaurants.  Otherwise, they’d have to wait three months for the game to be replayed in their country in HD.  By that time it’s too late.  The game is over.”

Nancy Pelosi Defends Her Health Care Plan