Bush Makes Republicans Sole Beneficiaries in New Will, Obama Cannot Inherit Any Further Messes

Former President George W. Bush announced today that he has officially changed his will and named Republicans as the sole beneficiaries.  Tormented by the constant references of Barack Obama to “inherited messes”, Mr. Bush decided to change his will to save further annoyance.

“President Obama claims to have inherited every bad happening from me,” said Bush.  “Well, not anymore.  He’s out of the will, and he can’t inherit anything else.  Let him work for it himself.”

Attorneys for President Obama began researching ways to challenge the will in order to preserve his inheritance.  Initial thoughts were to challenge the soundness of mind of Mr. Bush when he made the change or to invalidate the new will through an act of Congress which guarantees that President Obama can inherit more than 50% of all messes through the inheritance tax.

Critics Concerned New Avatar Movie May Not Portray Corporations and Military as Evil Enough

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As trailers for James Cameron’s new epic blockbuster, Avatar, hit television and theaters, critics are becoming increasingly alarmed that the movie may not accurately portray corporations and the military as being evil enough.

“I have some concerns about what I’ve seen so far,” said film critic Cindy Mattson.  “The previews I’ve seen appear to show that a corporation has invaded another planet with the military’s help in order to mine a valuable resource, and they need to kill indigenous people to do so.  That starts out promising enough, but this movie was really supposed to push the envelope.  I didn’t see any scenes of children being murdered or at least poisoned or disfigured by white male executives or soldiers.  And there was no real sense that the indigenous people would be enslaved and severely abused in order to mine the expensive resource.  What about burning down a hut with women and children still inside, or framing the inhabitants for terrorist acts in order to support military strikes against them.  And that doesn’t even touch on the fact that the connection between this story and how the United States has invaded the Middle East and murdered millions for oil is just far too subtle.  Very few people will easily make that connection or be able to envision George Bush as one of the characters.  Unless they are saving those scenes, I think there could be real trouble for this movie.”

James Cameron assured the media that the movie will still achieve its goal of demonizing not only the military and corporate greed, but white people as well.  “None of these critics have seen the movie yet,” said Cameron.  “Trust me.  When you leave the theater, you’ll hate the military, corporations, white people, and Christians more than ever.  You’ll realize that the war on terrorism is actually just a ruse for corporations and the military to kill brown people for oil.  The DVD release will even have a feature to turn on labeling so that the screen shows which people are supposed to be George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld.  We didn’t spend $200 million on this movie so people would walk away with ambiguous feelings about these important topics.”

Obama Sends Kerry on Swift Boat Mission to Find Lost Jobs

As unemployment numbers continue to rise, and job losses mount, President Obama announced that he has assigned Senator John Kerry to go on a swift boat mission to find the missing jobs.

“I am honored to be selected for this task,” said Kerry.  “As a Vietnam veteran and swift boat commander, I am the right man for the job.  Senator Kerry, reporting for duty!  I can remember clearly on Christmas day in 2008 listening to the radio while sitting in Canada and hearing President Bush say we weren’t losing jobs in Boston.  Well, I was there.  I could see the jobs we had already lost in Boston and knew he was lying.  Not everyone will come back alive from this mission. We’ll be in dangerous areas like Detroit and Miami trying to recover these lost jobs.  But we’ll find those jobs.  We spent almost a trillion dollars and still have fewer jobs than before we spent the money.  The jobs are there.  Somewhere.  And employers will have to pay for what they have done to those jobs.  Employers I spoke to told stories at times about how they had personally raped the environment, cut off benefits, cut off department heads, taped wires from Blackberries to manager genitals and turned up the vibrate mode, cut off lunch breaks, blown up computers, randomly shot at employees, razed company divisions in fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan, shot middle managers and secretaries for fun, poisoned cafeteria food, and generally ravaged the company in addition to the normal ravage of business, and the normal and very particular ravaging which is done by the applied business power of these companies.”