Obama Sends a Nervous Biden to Hunt Thanksgiving Turkey with Dick Cheney

The White House announced that Vice President Joe Biden has been chosen with the task of hunting a fresh turkey for the White House Thanksgiving feast.  President Obama asked the former Vice President Dick Cheney to join Biden in the hunt.

“Contrary to the chatter out there, I am not trying to get rid of Vice President Biden,” said President Obama.  “Dick Cheney has a significant amount of hunting experience, and it only makes sense that he join Joe in this important task.  Two vice presidents going turkey hunting.  I think it’s a great story.”

Biden appeared a bit concerned by the President’s request.  “I’ve been on my best behavior for a few weeks now,” said Biden.  “I think President Obama was really just trying to give me some assistance hunting a turkey.  I’m sure everything will be fine.  I have a flak jacket.”

Dick Cheney says he is looking forward to the outing.  “Oh, this is just going to be a fun time,” said Cheney.  “Joe and I go way back, so there’s nothing to worry about.  Although, I do have some concerns about whether I can tell the difference between Joe and the turkey.”

Critics Concerned New Avatar Movie May Not Portray Corporations and Military as Evil Enough

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As trailers for James Cameron’s new epic blockbuster, Avatar, hit television and theaters, critics are becoming increasingly alarmed that the movie may not accurately portray corporations and the military as being evil enough.

“I have some concerns about what I’ve seen so far,” said film critic Cindy Mattson.  “The previews I’ve seen appear to show that a corporation has invaded another planet with the military’s help in order to mine a valuable resource, and they need to kill indigenous people to do so.  That starts out promising enough, but this movie was really supposed to push the envelope.  I didn’t see any scenes of children being murdered or at least poisoned or disfigured by white male executives or soldiers.  And there was no real sense that the indigenous people would be enslaved and severely abused in order to mine the expensive resource.  What about burning down a hut with women and children still inside, or framing the inhabitants for terrorist acts in order to support military strikes against them.  And that doesn’t even touch on the fact that the connection between this story and how the United States has invaded the Middle East and murdered millions for oil is just far too subtle.  Very few people will easily make that connection or be able to envision George Bush as one of the characters.  Unless they are saving those scenes, I think there could be real trouble for this movie.”

James Cameron assured the media that the movie will still achieve its goal of demonizing not only the military and corporate greed, but white people as well.  “None of these critics have seen the movie yet,” said Cameron.  “Trust me.  When you leave the theater, you’ll hate the military, corporations, white people, and Christians more than ever.  You’ll realize that the war on terrorism is actually just a ruse for corporations and the military to kill brown people for oil.  The DVD release will even have a feature to turn on labeling so that the screen shows which people are supposed to be George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld.  We didn’t spend $200 million on this movie so people would walk away with ambiguous feelings about these important topics.”

Police Seek Whereabouts of Dick Cheney After Shots Fired at Lou Dobbs Home

After reports that bullets were fired at the home of Lou Dobbs last week, investigators are trying to determineDick Cheney’s exact whereabouts at the time of the shooting.

“We don’t have any other solid leads, but this could be promising,” said Detective Swanson of the Wantage police department.  “The area is known for hunting activity, and this seems like the kind of shooting that could have been done by someone like Mr. Cheney.  We doubt it was on purpose, so we’re asking Mr. Cheney to cooperate and let us know any information he may have on the shooting.”