27-Year-Old California Man Drowns in Debt, State Warns More May Follow

Larry Shovelfield of Fresno, California, drowned in debt over the weekend at his home.  Mr. Shovelfield was known as a strong swimmer who was on the swim team as an adolescent, but the amount of debt was apparently too much for him to overcome. 

“He was a very strong swimmer,” said his brother, Steve.  “He could handle a $15 billion deficit, maybe even $16 or $17 billion.  But a $21 billion budget deficit was just more than he could handle.  I’m sure he struggled as long as he could, but in the end he just couldn’t keep his head above the California state deficit.  $21 billion is too much to ask anyone to survive.  We would like to sue the state of California for killing Larry, but winning a lawsuit would only grow the deficit larger and risk having more people drown in debt.”

State safety officials are investigating the incident, but they are treating it as an accident.  They cautioned California residents to stop electing Socialists and take basic economics classes to prevent future tragedies.  “Californians seem to have problems with basic economic realities,” said Ned Cromwell of the California Safety Bureau.  “If you elect officials who spend too much money, vote for ballot initiatives that put the state further into debt, and drive revenue producers from your state, you end up with enough debt to drown people.  Even good swimmers like Mr. Shovelfield.  Unfortunately, I think we’re going to find more drowning victims in the future.  I only hope the entire population doesn’t fall victim.”

Congress Will Need to Use WOPR to Calculate Budget

Congressional Democrats announced today that they will need to employ the help of WOPR from the movie War Games to continue calculating the US budget.  The amount of spending and borrowing has become so extensive, that oridnary supercomputers are not adequate to track all of the numbers.

“We’ve already blown out two supercomputers just trying to keep track of Cash for Clunkers,” said a congressional spokesperson.  “By the time we get to health care reform and cap-and-trade, there just isn’t enough computing power available at the real world level.  Since the Cold War has ended, the WOPR is just sitting around playing chess these days.  Now we can put it to good use.”

China Says It Will Short-Sale US, Mexico and Canada Interested

China announced today that it plans to have a short-sale of theUnited States rather than foreclose on it subprime loan.  America’s inability to pay back China without devaluing its currency to zero forced China’s hand.

“This wasn’t the step we hoped to take,” said China’s main loan officer, Xing Hu.  “Many people were caught up in this crisis, and we have no choice but to recover what we can.  We’re not in the business of owning countries, so we’d like to sell as soon as we can.  And we think a short-sale will make more sense than foreclosure.  Fortunately, America’s neighbors have an interest in buying the property, and we hope to close on a sale by the end of the year.  In fact, Mexico has already moved in to try out the property before buying, so they are probably the leading candidate to acquire the United States at this point.”