Investigators announced that Sandy Berger has now been identified as the individual responsible for stealing and leaking the Climategate emails showing that climate scientists have been lying about scientific data, subverting the peer review process, and being smug wankers.

Mr. Berger visited the CRU earlier this year and managed to hide the data files in his underpants and remove them from the building.  Investigators speculate that the reason he stole the information was because he is loyal to the Clintons and thus hates Al Gore.  Berger was caught after Al Gore tracked down the files online, which he is able to do since he invented the Internet and knows his way around pretty well.

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Climate scientists made a shocking discovery today: we are probably already dead based on new climate data numbers coming in from recent measurements.

“It’s even worse than I feared,” said Dr. Notid Skamartest of the United Nations Climate and World Control Council.  “According to these new temperature measurements, we have all been killed by the effects of global warming.  Probably sometime around the summer of 2007.  In fact, I’m not even really speaking to you right now.  This is just a residual memory transfiguration event that we all are experiencing after our recent demise.  I can’t believe no one listened to us, and now we’re all dead.”

After years of dire warnings that carbon emissions would destroy the world any day now, it appears that the worst has already happened.  Al Gore said in a press conference today that this discovery only shows we must have an even more aggressive approach to global warming in order to reverse the warming trend and save the now-destroyed earth.

“Now more than ever, we must accelerate changes in our behavior,” said Gore.  “Oil companies must be shut down.  My alternative fuel companies will supply all energy from now on.  All livestock must be destroyed to eliminate their gastric emissions.  We must turn back the clock and bring our mother earth back to life.  No matter the cost.”

NASA announced that water was discovered on the moon, and Al Gore has indicated that this shocking news shows that lunar warming is happening and could have devastating effects if we don’t take immediate drastic measures.

“Things are worse than I thought,” said Gore.  “There should only be frozen ice on the moon, not water.  Now the moon has a fever too, and it’s because of too many mobile phone signals.  My chart will prove that as mobile phone usage has increased, so has the lunar temperature and melting ice.  We must find a way to reduce this damaging greenhouse signal from mobile phones, or soon the entire moon will melt and kill all of us.  I have begun raising another $500 million investment fund to explore alternative communication technologies to replace mobile phones.  In the meantime, I am asking Congress and world governments to join me in calling for legislation to require the world to reduce its mobile footprint by limiting mobile phone use and targeting Big Mobile companies for fines and taxes.  We need to move to safer satellite phone technology instead.  I know it is much more expensive and not as efficient as digital mobile phones currently in use, but we must quickly move to this technology or we will destroy ourselves within ten months.  At that time, we will hit a tipping point with lunar warming that will be impossible to reverse.”

Mr. Gore has already begun investing in satellite phone technology companies and creating “mobile credits” companies that allow individuals to offset their mobile phone usage by paying others not to use their mobile phones.  The scientific community has reached a consensus that lunar warming is happening and is caused by mobile phones.  Some lunar deniers refuse to accept Mr. Gore’s ideas on warming and think he is simply demonizing Big Mobile in order to make money and control the populace.  The Senate has decided to set aside the Cap and Trade legislation and focus on a new “Cap and Call” legislation that penalizes companies who go over their mobile minutes.  Mr. Gore also said he will be releasing a new documentary in 2010 called “An Inconvenient Dropped Call” that will focus on the science and consequences of lunar warming caused by mobile phones.