Shallow Thoughts, by Barack Obama: Global Warming

Someone asked me once if I really believed in global warming.  I yelled and screamed at that person at the top of my lungs until they cried and ran away.  I wasn’t too sure about the whole global warming thing, but I couldn’t tell them I was just kidding because they were already gone.

Climate Scientists Fear We May Have Already Died Based on New Warming Data

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Climate scientists made a shocking discovery today: we are probably already dead based on new climate data numbers coming in from recent measurements.

“It’s even worse than I feared,” said Dr. Notid Skamartest of the United Nations Climate and World Control Council.  “According to these new temperature measurements, we have all been killed by the effects of global warming.  Probably sometime around the summer of 2007.  In fact, I’m not even really speaking to you right now.  This is just a residual memory transfiguration event that we all are experiencing after our recent demise.  I can’t believe no one listened to us, and now we’re all dead.”

After years of dire warnings that carbon emissions would destroy the world any day now, it appears that the worst has already happened.  Al Gore said in a press conference today that this discovery only shows we must have an even more aggressive approach to global warming in order to reverse the warming trend and save the now-destroyed earth.

“Now more than ever, we must accelerate changes in our behavior,” said Gore.  “Oil companies must be shut down.  My alternative fuel companies will supply all energy from now on.  All livestock must be destroyed to eliminate their gastric emissions.  We must turn back the clock and bring our mother earth back to life.  No matter the cost.”

Shallow Thoughts, by Barack Obama: Bowing

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Sometimes I think it might be interesting to bow to everyone you meet instead of just shaking hands.  I bet it makes them feel really really important.  You’d probably have to be careful in Japan though.  Because they might think you’re challenging them to a fight or something, and well, I don’t really know karate.

Shallow Thoughts, by Barack Obama: Black President

My mom used to tell me I could become the first black President.  Then Bill Clinton got elected and said he was the first black President.  Some people might think that made me really mad.  But I just laugh at them, because I have it on pretty good authority that he’s not really black.

Shallow Thoughts, by Barack Obama: Quotes

I heard a guy once said “ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.”  I don’t know who that guy was, but I bet he was miquoted.  Because, you know, who doesn’t want free stuff?

Climate Scientists Use Jedi Mind Trick to Cover Up Email Scandal

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After a hacker managed to penetrate the email system at the University of East Anglia Climate Research Unit and disclose thousands of emails that show collusion, falsified research and intimidation of skeptics, the climate warriors have unleashed a Jedi to set their agenda back on track.

“These are not the emails you are looking for,” said Master Ono Won Kyoto.  “The emails you seek prove global warming is real.  Move along.”

Only three news outlets worldwide reported on the scandal, so the Jedi had a very small audience to convince.  Scientists believe the Jedi mind trick was effective and plan to continue disrupting the world economy to land further research funding for their projects.

Obama Sends a Nervous Biden to Hunt Thanksgiving Turkey with Dick Cheney

The White House announced that Vice President Joe Biden has been chosen with the task of hunting a fresh turkey for the White House Thanksgiving feast.  President Obama asked the former Vice President Dick Cheney to join Biden in the hunt.

“Contrary to the chatter out there, I am not trying to get rid of Vice President Biden,” said President Obama.  “Dick Cheney has a significant amount of hunting experience, and it only makes sense that he join Joe in this important task.  Two vice presidents going turkey hunting.  I think it’s a great story.”

Biden appeared a bit concerned by the President’s request.  “I’ve been on my best behavior for a few weeks now,” said Biden.  “I think President Obama was really just trying to give me some assistance hunting a turkey.  I’m sure everything will be fine.  I have a flak jacket.”

Dick Cheney says he is looking forward to the outing.  “Oh, this is just going to be a fun time,” said Cheney.  “Joe and I go way back, so there’s nothing to worry about.  Although, I do have some concerns about whether I can tell the difference between Joe and the turkey.”

Critics Concerned New Avatar Movie May Not Portray Corporations and Military as Evil Enough

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As trailers for James Cameron’s new epic blockbuster, Avatar, hit television and theaters, critics are becoming increasingly alarmed that the movie may not accurately portray corporations and the military as being evil enough.

“I have some concerns about what I’ve seen so far,” said film critic Cindy Mattson.  “The previews I’ve seen appear to show that a corporation has invaded another planet with the military’s help in order to mine a valuable resource, and they need to kill indigenous people to do so.  That starts out promising enough, but this movie was really supposed to push the envelope.  I didn’t see any scenes of children being murdered or at least poisoned or disfigured by white male executives or soldiers.  And there was no real sense that the indigenous people would be enslaved and severely abused in order to mine the expensive resource.  What about burning down a hut with women and children still inside, or framing the inhabitants for terrorist acts in order to support military strikes against them.  And that doesn’t even touch on the fact that the connection between this story and how the United States has invaded the Middle East and murdered millions for oil is just far too subtle.  Very few people will easily make that connection or be able to envision George Bush as one of the characters.  Unless they are saving those scenes, I think there could be real trouble for this movie.”

James Cameron assured the media that the movie will still achieve its goal of demonizing not only the military and corporate greed, but white people as well.  “None of these critics have seen the movie yet,” said Cameron.  “Trust me.  When you leave the theater, you’ll hate the military, corporations, white people, and Christians more than ever.  You’ll realize that the war on terrorism is actually just a ruse for corporations and the military to kill brown people for oil.  The DVD release will even have a feature to turn on labeling so that the screen shows which people are supposed to be George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld.  We didn’t spend $200 million on this movie so people would walk away with ambiguous feelings about these important topics.”

27-Year-Old California Man Drowns in Debt, State Warns More May Follow

Larry Shovelfield of Fresno, California, drowned in debt over the weekend at his home.  Mr. Shovelfield was known as a strong swimmer who was on the swim team as an adolescent, but the amount of debt was apparently too much for him to overcome. 

“He was a very strong swimmer,” said his brother, Steve.  “He could handle a $15 billion deficit, maybe even $16 or $17 billion.  But a $21 billion budget deficit was just more than he could handle.  I’m sure he struggled as long as he could, but in the end he just couldn’t keep his head above the California state deficit.  $21 billion is too much to ask anyone to survive.  We would like to sue the state of California for killing Larry, but winning a lawsuit would only grow the deficit larger and risk having more people drown in debt.”

State safety officials are investigating the incident, but they are treating it as an accident.  They cautioned California residents to stop electing Socialists and take basic economics classes to prevent future tragedies.  “Californians seem to have problems with basic economic realities,” said Ned Cromwell of the California Safety Bureau.  “If you elect officials who spend too much money, vote for ballot initiatives that put the state further into debt, and drive revenue producers from your state, you end up with enough debt to drown people.  Even good swimmers like Mr. Shovelfield.  Unfortunately, I think we’re going to find more drowning victims in the future.  I only hope the entire population doesn’t fall victim.”

US Will Begin Taxing Canadians to Pay for New Health Care Costs

Democrats in the House and Senate announced today that they will begin taxing Canadians to pay for the skyrocketing cost of their new health care proposals.  The move will put a serious dent in Republican criticism about the cost of the health care overhauls.

“The Republicans have no room to criticize our spending now,” said Nancy Pelosi.  “By adding the Canadian tax base to existing domestic tax increases to pay for this massive proposal, we can now cover about 75% of the total cost of our plan.  We can pay for the other 25% by looking more closely for efficiencies, cutbacks and savings in existing expenses.”

The proposed Canadian tax would be 50% on individuals who make over $25,000 and 100% on any earnings over $50,000.  In return, Congress will allow Canadians to pay in gold.