Obama Says Attempted Terror Attack Proves Need for Airline Public Option

After an attempted terror attack on Christmas day, President Obama said in a press conference that the episode is clear proof that the airline industry needs a public option.

“This is a failed system,” said Obama.  “Failure to reform it will only mean that more people will die.  Right now millions of people don’t have access to safe airline travel.  Those of you who already have safe airline travel can keep what you have.  But we must provide a public option for those who wish to fly a government airline.  I am asking Congress to craft a plan that reforms our airline system and includes a public option for those who want it.  Safe airline travel is a right, not a privilege.”

Max Baucus Reveals He is Really Bacchus, God of Wine, Speaks Drunk on Senate Floor

Senator Max Baucus shocked the world last week when he revealed that he is actually Bacchus, the Roman God of Wine.  Senator Baucus is actually the secret identity taken by Bacchus, as he has wandered the world experience life among mortals.

“Yesh, it’sh true,” said Bacchus.  “I am really Bathus the God of Wines.  And thersh jush one think I want.  Other than wine of coursh.  And that’s helf care.  Wine drunkersh have needs for helf care.  Lotsh of needs.  And that means helf care is, uh, a uh, ist needs to get done.  Now I’m off to Napa.”

UN Agreement on Copenhagen Outlaws Santa Claus Sleigh

Image via Wikipedia

The meeting of world leaders in Copenhagen to combat climate change, global warming, temperature variation, and unexpected storm activity, resulted in a signed agreement that included a page known as the “Santa Claus Clause”, which outlaws Santa from using his sleigh in order to combat the forces of nature.

“Let me be clear,” said President Obama.  “Gaseous elements from reindeer are far more harmful to our world than carbon emissions.  One night of reindeer pulling a sleigh around the world is the equivalent of 450 thousand SUVs running for an entire year.  While the world may love Saint Nick, his mode of transportation will kill all of us.  This was a necessary element of our agreement to save the planet and save lives.  I have asked Congress to create a special stimulus bill that will subsidize Mr. Claus’s business to the tune of $300 million in order for him to replace his reindeer with solar powered light aircraft.  Unfortunately, it means Santa will need to do his work during daylight hours.  But that’s a small price to pay for saving the lives of several billion people.”

Kim Jong Il Steps Down After Stongly Worded Letter From Obama

Image via Wikipedia

North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Il, announced today that he is stepping down after receiving a strongly worded letter from President Obama.

“It is time for me to relinquish control of North Korea,” said Kim Jong Il through a translator.  “Mr. Obama sent me the most strongly worded letter I have ever received.  Honestly, I’m quite terrified.  And I’m not sure I would survive another such letter. I have finally met my match”

President Obama was pleased with the results.  “This further proves that peace can be achieved without the military.  My words carry power.  And that power can be quite powerful.  Iran will be getting a letter soon if they are not careful.”

Bush Makes Republicans Sole Beneficiaries in New Will, Obama Cannot Inherit Any Further Messes

Former President George W. Bush announced today that he has officially changed his will and named Republicans as the sole beneficiaries.  Tormented by the constant references of Barack Obama to “inherited messes”, Mr. Bush decided to change his will to save further annoyance.

“President Obama claims to have inherited every bad happening from me,” said Bush.  “Well, not anymore.  He’s out of the will, and he can’t inherit anything else.  Let him work for it himself.”

Attorneys for President Obama began researching ways to challenge the will in order to preserve his inheritance.  Initial thoughts were to challenge the soundness of mind of Mr. Bush when he made the change or to invalidate the new will through an act of Congress which guarantees that President Obama can inherit more than 50% of all messes through the inheritance tax.

White House to Fight Unemployment by Adding Public Option Called Employcare

Image via Wikipedia

After a fruitful Jobs Summit, President Obama announced that his Administration has already come up with a remedy for the millions of unemployed.  He will ask Congress to pass a bill that requires all Americans to have a job.  And the bill will require employers to hire individuals, regardless of pre-existing employment history.  He also asked that a public option be added so that individuals who choose to work for the government will have that option.  The new government plan is called Employcare.

“Employment reform is long overdue,” said Obama.  “We have too many Americans not covered by employment.  While the fat cat CEOs make billions of dollars, they refuse basic employment coverage for our most vulnerable citizens.  Employment is a right, not a privilege.  And while I favor a ’single employer’ system of employment, it is not feasible to implement such a policy immediately.  The public option will allow those who wish to be covered by a government employment plan to be covered.  If you like your current job, you can keep it.  No one will be forced to use the government employment plan.  But the American people should still have that option.  We’ll pay for the cost of this public option through market efficiencies and automation.  We spend more on employment than any other country in the world right now.  Yet we still have a large portion of our most vulnerable in society not covered by employment.  The system is fraught with waste, fraud and inefficiencies.  The time for reform is now.”

Republicans and business executives immediately attacked the plan.  “A public option is far too expensive, and it amounts to a government takeover of the employment industry,” said Republican Senator Tom Coburn.  “Let’s be honest and call this what it really is.  Socialized employment.  Do you really want the government to be in charge of your employment decisions?  If you like waiting in line at the DMV, that’s what you’ll be doing now to pick up your paycheck.”  Sarah Palin also expressed grave concerns over the new plan.  “I can envision government Retirement Panels,” said Palin.  “They will not have enough money to guarantee employment coverage for all citizens, so a bureaucratic panel will decide who is worthy of employment and who must retire because employment is too expensive for them.”

House Democrats have already crafted a 23,000 page document guaranteeing employment coverage for all Americans.  Nancy Pelosi announced that the document would be given to all House members on 2.3 million 3×5 index cards to review the plan 28 minutes before the vote is taken on whether or not to pass it.  The Senate is also working on a similar bill.  A leaked draft of the Senate version shows theirs also includes a provision to give an additional $100 million in Employcare payments to Louisiana.  Republican senators decried the provision as a “payoff” for Senator Mary Landrieu’s support of the bill.

Sandy Berger Responsible for Stealing Climategate Documents in Underpants

Investigators announced that Sandy Berger has now been identified as the individual responsible for stealing and leaking the Climategate emails showing that climate scientists have been lying about scientific data, subverting the peer review process, and being smug wankers.

Mr. Berger visited the CRU earlier this year and managed to hide the data files in his underpants and remove them from the building.  Investigators speculate that the reason he stole the information was because he is loyal to the Clintons and thus hates Al Gore.  Berger was caught after Al Gore tracked down the files online, which he is able to do since he invented the Internet and knows his way around pretty well.

Obama Sending 30,000 Troops to Afghanistan and 5,000 Journalists to Fox News

President Obama announced that he will be sending 30,000 more troops to help fight the war in Afghanistan today.  He will also send 5,000 journalists to fight the war against Fox News.  Democrats fear both strategies could end in a quagmire.

“I think it’s time to withdraw on both fronts,” said a Democrat senator who wished to remain anonymous.  “Both wars are impossible to win, and we’re just putting lives at risk.  The Taliban can continue to hide in their caves and wait us out.  Fox News can continue to broadcast damaging information about Obama, and not enough people watch the other networks to allow the 5,000 journalists to reach a significant audience.”

Due to the failing economics in the news industry, Obama had no problem recruiting 5,000 journalists to send to the war on Fox News.  “This is the right war at the right time,” said President Obama.  “Our young men and women in the media are the future of this country.  We should be proud of the work their doing to fight against a common enemy, Fox News.  Our allies support us in this fight, and we will win this war.”

Shallow Thoughts, by Barack Obama: Global Warming

Someone asked me once if I really believed in global warming.  I yelled and screamed at that person at the top of my lungs until they cried and ran away.  I wasn’t too sure about the whole global warming thing, but I couldn’t tell them I was just kidding because they were already gone.

Climate Scientists Fear We May Have Already Died Based on New Warming Data

Image via Wikipedia

Climate scientists made a shocking discovery today: we are probably already dead based on new climate data numbers coming in from recent measurements.

“It’s even worse than I feared,” said Dr. Notid Skamartest of the United Nations Climate and World Control Council.  “According to these new temperature measurements, we have all been killed by the effects of global warming.  Probably sometime around the summer of 2007.  In fact, I’m not even really speaking to you right now.  This is just a residual memory transfiguration event that we all are experiencing after our recent demise.  I can’t believe no one listened to us, and now we’re all dead.”

After years of dire warnings that carbon emissions would destroy the world any day now, it appears that the worst has already happened.  Al Gore said in a press conference today that this discovery only shows we must have an even more aggressive approach to global warming in order to reverse the warming trend and save the now-destroyed earth.

“Now more than ever, we must accelerate changes in our behavior,” said Gore.  “Oil companies must be shut down.  My alternative fuel companies will supply all energy from now on.  All livestock must be destroyed to eliminate their gastric emissions.  We must turn back the clock and bring our mother earth back to life.  No matter the cost.”