Congress Awards World Series to Washington Nationals to ‘Spread the Wealth’
A day after winning their 27th World Series championship, the New York Yankees were informed that Congress has decided to award the World Series to the Washington Nationals in order to make a more balanced and fair world.
“This is about fairness and spreading the wealth,” said Congressman Barney Frank. “The Yankees have so many World Series titles, and the Nationals have none. They may not think it’s fair, but that just makes them selfish and greedy. We’re not taking all of their championships away. They still have 26 in their trophy case. Can you honestly tell me they can’t afford to share one measly trophy to help out a needy team that may never have an opportunity to win a World Series without government intervention? In fact, I will be sponsoring a bill that puts a cap of 5 on World Series championships. Those teams who have more than 5 will have their future championships distributed to teams who have the fewest. We’re grandfathering existing championships, so this is not a tax on current World Series wealth, but a tax on future World Series earnings.”
Yankees players protested the move, but it appears unlikely to have any impact. “This is my first World Series,” said Alex Rodriguez. “How is that fair to me?” Barney Frank’s office contacted Rodriguez to let him know that this was an unfortunate unintended consequence of the new policy, but that Rodriguez was patriotic for understanding that there is a bigger goal in mind here.
Several players have already mentioned the idea of going to play in Japan so that they can keep more of their championships, but Congress is already working on amending the new bill to prevent offshore championship shelters that would require players to repatriate their foreign championships to the United States for redistribution to other teams.
The Washington Nationals immediately announced that they were cutting their payroll to $5 and releasing all of their current players to capitalize on the new arrangement. “We’ll never compete for a World Series,” said a Nationals spokesman. “It would be foolish for us to put forth all of this time and effort in the future if we can get a championship just for showing up.”
