Joe Biden hair plugs may be used to clean up BP oil spill

As options continue to run out in the BP oil spill disaster, the White House announced a new strategy for cleaning up the mess along the Gulf coastline.  Joe Biden’s super-absorbent hair plugs will be used in Louisiana and Florida to contain the environmental disaster and clean up beaches.

“Joe has some serious absorption properties on his noggin,” said a spokesperson.  “Our hope is that it will contain the damage and give us precious time to let BP cap the leak.  Joe was not on board initially, but an appeal to his ego in pointing out that the dark coloring would make him look years younger has changed his mind.”

Government agencies estimate that the approval process will take about seven weeks.  They need to file multiple requests in triplicate at several agencies before absorption can begin.

Obama Calls for March Madness Reform, Public Option

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Barack Obama said the next item for reform on his agenda would be the NCAA basketball tournament.  “There is too much waste and too many teams who go without a tournament appearance,” said Obama.  “This is a league of haves and have nots.  I am proposing that we add a government tournament that ensures all teams can participate in March Madness.  Not just those who have a high ranking.  You can keep your own tournament if that’s what you want, but we are going to add a separate public option for teams who are not covered by the current NCAA tournament.  The NIT just doesn’t cut it as a viable alternative.”

Opponents of the plan have argued that it would result in a rationing of games and inferior competition.  “They can’t possibly support a tournament that can cover all of those teams,” said Senator Scott Brown.  “Sure, you’ll get to play in a tournament, but you’ll probably be on a two year waiting list to play a game.  Some players will graduate before ever getting to see a tournament with the public option.  If teams want to make the tournament, then it is their own responsibility to spend the time and effort to get better and qualify.  We shouldn’t be forced to subsidize teams who choose not to be competitive.”

“I never want a school to have to choose between new basketball shoes and new desks for the classroom,” said Obama.  “Tournament participation is a right, not a privilege.”

Obama Says Attempted Terror Attack Proves Need for Airline Public Option

After an attempted terror attack on Christmas day, President Obama said in a press conference that the episode is clear proof that the airline industry needs a public option.

“This is a failed system,” said Obama.  “Failure to reform it will only mean that more people will die.  Right now millions of people don’t have access to safe airline travel.  Those of you who already have safe airline travel can keep what you have.  But we must provide a public option for those who wish to fly a government airline.  I am asking Congress to craft a plan that reforms our airline system and includes a public option for those who want it.  Safe airline travel is a right, not a privilege.”

Max Baucus Reveals He is Really Bacchus, God of Wine, Speaks Drunk on Senate Floor

Senator Max Baucus shocked the world last week when he revealed that he is actually Bacchus, the Roman God of Wine.  Senator Baucus is actually the secret identity taken by Bacchus, as he has wandered the world experience life among mortals.

“Yesh, it’sh true,” said Bacchus.  “I am really Bathus the God of Wines.  And thersh jush one think I want.  Other than wine of coursh.  And that’s helf care.  Wine drunkersh have needs for helf care.  Lotsh of needs.  And that means helf care is, uh, a uh, ist needs to get done.  Now I’m off to Napa.”

UN Agreement on Copenhagen Outlaws Santa Claus Sleigh

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The meeting of world leaders in Copenhagen to combat climate change, global warming, temperature variation, and unexpected storm activity, resulted in a signed agreement that included a page known as the “Santa Claus Clause”, which outlaws Santa from using his sleigh in order to combat the forces of nature.

“Let me be clear,” said President Obama.  “Gaseous elements from reindeer are far more harmful to our world than carbon emissions.  One night of reindeer pulling a sleigh around the world is the equivalent of 450 thousand SUVs running for an entire year.  While the world may love Saint Nick, his mode of transportation will kill all of us.  This was a necessary element of our agreement to save the planet and save lives.  I have asked Congress to create a special stimulus bill that will subsidize Mr. Claus’s business to the tune of $300 million in order for him to replace his reindeer with solar powered light aircraft.  Unfortunately, it means Santa will need to do his work during daylight hours.  But that’s a small price to pay for saving the lives of several billion people.”

Kim Jong Il Steps Down After Stongly Worded Letter From Obama

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North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Il, announced today that he is stepping down after receiving a strongly worded letter from President Obama.

“It is time for me to relinquish control of North Korea,” said Kim Jong Il through a translator.  “Mr. Obama sent me the most strongly worded letter I have ever received.  Honestly, I’m quite terrified.  And I’m not sure I would survive another such letter. I have finally met my match”

President Obama was pleased with the results.  “This further proves that peace can be achieved without the military.  My words carry power.  And that power can be quite powerful.  Iran will be getting a letter soon if they are not careful.”

Bush Makes Republicans Sole Beneficiaries in New Will, Obama Cannot Inherit Any Further Messes

Former President George W. Bush announced today that he has officially changed his will and named Republicans as the sole beneficiaries.  Tormented by the constant references of Barack Obama to “inherited messes”, Mr. Bush decided to change his will to save further annoyance.

“President Obama claims to have inherited every bad happening from me,” said Bush.  “Well, not anymore.  He’s out of the will, and he can’t inherit anything else.  Let him work for it himself.”

Attorneys for President Obama began researching ways to challenge the will in order to preserve his inheritance.  Initial thoughts were to challenge the soundness of mind of Mr. Bush when he made the change or to invalidate the new will through an act of Congress which guarantees that President Obama can inherit more than 50% of all messes through the inheritance tax.

White House to Fight Unemployment by Adding Public Option Called Employcare

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After a fruitful Jobs Summit, President Obama announced that his Administration has already come up with a remedy for the millions of unemployed.  He will ask Congress to pass a bill that requires all Americans to have a job.  And the bill will require employers to hire individuals, regardless of pre-existing employment history.  He also asked that a public option be added so that individuals who choose to work for the government will have that option.  The new government plan is called Employcare.

“Employment reform is long overdue,” said Obama.  “We have too many Americans not covered by employment.  While the fat cat CEOs make billions of dollars, they refuse basic employment coverage for our most vulnerable citizens.  Employment is a right, not a privilege.  And while I favor a ’single employer’ system of employment, it is not feasible to implement such a policy immediately.  The public option will allow those who wish to be covered by a government employment plan to be covered.  If you like your current job, you can keep it.  No one will be forced to use the government employment plan.  But the American people should still have that option.  We’ll pay for the cost of this public option through market efficiencies and automation.  We spend more on employment than any other country in the world right now.  Yet we still have a large portion of our most vulnerable in society not covered by employment.  The system is fraught with waste, fraud and inefficiencies.  The time for reform is now.”

Republicans and business executives immediately attacked the plan.  “A public option is far too expensive, and it amounts to a government takeover of the employment industry,” said Republican Senator Tom Coburn.  “Let’s be honest and call this what it really is.  Socialized employment.  Do you really want the government to be in charge of your employment decisions?  If you like waiting in line at the DMV, that’s what you’ll be doing now to pick up your paycheck.”  Sarah Palin also expressed grave concerns over the new plan.  “I can envision government Retirement Panels,” said Palin.  “They will not have enough money to guarantee employment coverage for all citizens, so a bureaucratic panel will decide who is worthy of employment and who must retire because employment is too expensive for them.”

House Democrats have already crafted a 23,000 page document guaranteeing employment coverage for all Americans.  Nancy Pelosi announced that the document would be given to all House members on 2.3 million 3×5 index cards to review the plan 28 minutes before the vote is taken on whether or not to pass it.  The Senate is also working on a similar bill.  A leaked draft of the Senate version shows theirs also includes a provision to give an additional $100 million in Employcare payments to Louisiana.  Republican senators decried the provision as a “payoff” for Senator Mary Landrieu’s support of the bill.

Sandy Berger Responsible for Stealing Climategate Documents in Underpants

Investigators announced that Sandy Berger has now been identified as the individual responsible for stealing and leaking the Climategate emails showing that climate scientists have been lying about scientific data, subverting the peer review process, and being smug wankers.

Mr. Berger visited the CRU earlier this year and managed to hide the data files in his underpants and remove them from the building.  Investigators speculate that the reason he stole the information was because he is loyal to the Clintons and thus hates Al Gore.  Berger was caught after Al Gore tracked down the files online, which he is able to do since he invented the Internet and knows his way around pretty well.

Obama Sending 30,000 Troops to Afghanistan and 5,000 Journalists to Fox News

President Obama announced that he will be sending 30,000 more troops to help fight the war in Afghanistan today.  He will also send 5,000 journalists to fight the war against Fox News.  Democrats fear both strategies could end in a quagmire.

“I think it’s time to withdraw on both fronts,” said a Democrat senator who wished to remain anonymous.  “Both wars are impossible to win, and we’re just putting lives at risk.  The Taliban can continue to hide in their caves and wait us out.  Fox News can continue to broadcast damaging information about Obama, and not enough people watch the other networks to allow the 5,000 journalists to reach a significant audience.”

Due to the failing economics in the news industry, Obama had no problem recruiting 5,000 journalists to send to the war on Fox News.  “This is the right war at the right time,” said President Obama.  “Our young men and women in the media are the future of this country.  We should be proud of the work their doing to fight against a common enemy, Fox News.  Our allies support us in this fight, and we will win this war.”